Welcome to the New Year...

Stolen from Ryan's MySpace...

Dear Xanga,

Happy friggin' Tanksgibbin! (that's how my daddy says it)

Currently chillin' in the flower right now with the p-units... and I've been all nostalgic today from the many text messages sent wishing a happy T-day, especially from those people I don't speak with super often because of my new life with no friends...  Hi Daniel!  I think you're the only person who texted me who reads this thing that I haven't heard from in awhile.... I hope you're well =)  We should have a Christmas party! 

Anyways, I decided to write as a result of all the nostalgia.  So I can read this crap a year from now and get all nostalgic about this =)

Let's see what's new. 

1) I'm so happy that I found these beautiful brown pearl earrings that I had received on Christmas and promptly lost on New Year's.  I searched everywhere for them but to no avail.  Earlier this week I was attempting to fix the "sticky" key on my digital piano and after I took it apart they were inside.  I have no idea how, since they aren't that' small, but they turned out to have fallen inside my digital keyboard.  Couldn't fix the keyboard, but damn I'm glad to get those back.

2) I finally, finally FINALLY was successful in having Jake serve my ex-landlord with court papers.  He took $320 out of the security deposit for cleaning and painting costs (despite that I have pictures showing no large amount of cleaning or painting was even necessary) and provided no receipts for this work.  Anyways, I had Jake try to serve him with the court papers a couple of times but the guy was never home.  He actually tried to serve the guy on Halloween when I told him it would be funny to pretend to be a trick-or-treater but the guy never answered the door.  Anyways, I hate to be mean, I really do, but I'm quite good at it.  Does that make me a horrible person?  Yes.  Well, a couple of days ago after I had reset the court date and was just going to have a process server do it, Jake wanted to give it another shot.  And then I had a bright idea.  I said to him "what if you made an appointment to view a property that he has listed, pretending to be a prospective tenant, and then just served him the papers?"  Jake loved the idea.  We found a property that was listed, Jake called him and was like "would we be able to meet today?"  Anyways, I wasn't there for the exchange but Jake said the look on the guy's face was priceless.  He met with the guy and was like "Are you Craig? Yeah, I'm not really interested in the property, I just have these court papers I need to give you..."  Sweet.  And if he calls to settle I'll refuse.  I'm uber confident I'll win and I want to know what court is like. 

3) To the massive amount of readers I have out there, I'd like your opinion on something.  What is your opinion on friendly relationships with your exes?  Do you think it's something to be avoided?  I've always wanted to be friends with my exes (except the stupid indian one) but never really have because they didn't want to keep in contact with me.  I think it's because I broke all their hearts.  I ask because I had lunch with Will yesterday, and while I had a lot of fun catching up, it really bothered Jake, despite that Will's got a new girl and I'm completely uninterested in him that way anymore.  I don't think I'd be bothered by it if it ever happened to me, but yeah... I mean I guess in a way it's sort of happening to me but this situation is a bit extreme.  So anyways, tell me your opinion on that, and then tell me your opinion on the story I'm about to tell you...

4) So ya'll remember from my last entry about the thing that someone did to irritate me that I want to teach them a lesson about.  Well here's the story.  First off, I seem to meet guys who have the most psychotic and fucked up chics from their past.  Like seriously.  Like that chic who had her ex bf stalk me online and would send me all those texts.  Or that chic who cheated on Jeremiah, got pregnant, and proceeded to name the baby after him (????).  Anyways, Jake has a stalker who can't seem to take a hint.  Here's the background story.  Beware, I can't tell short stories.  It's genetic.

In high school, Jake had a friend named Anna (and no, I don't need to change her name), who he used to have a thing for.  They were friends with benefits but when he'd try to establish an actual relationship, she'd always come up with some reason why it wouldn't work out.  Oh, we're too unstable, we wouldn't be a good match, etc. etc.  She goes off to UCSC and gets herself in a serious relationship.  Unfortunately, she still decides to mess around with Jake when she comes to visit him or vice versa.  This continues for I don't know how long.  And every time he tries to establish something serious, she refuses.  Says they are better off as friends.

Fast forward to February of this year, where, in the words of Emeril, BAM! Jake and I fall head over heels for each other.  As a fuckin' huge sucker for love and the idea of a happy life in suburbia, I get myself into a serious relationship with him.  She calls him in March to let him know that she's coming to SD for spring break.  He's uber excited and wants me to meet her.  I'm not so keen on the idea because I don't know what's on her mind.  I mean, they did mess around in January when he was up visiting her, before anything started with us.  Mind you, she's still with that boyfriend of hers.  He assures me that he's not into her anymore, now that I'm here (cuz I'm fuckin' amazing and all that), and that she's just happy that he's happy.  He tells me he's glad she always rejected him because now he has me, a bajillion times better catch, etc..  Alright, I'll give it a shot.  Not that I'm too worried.  A little bothered, mostly because I feel like she's using Jake as a toy. 

Anyways, I meet her at the end of March.  I size her up and my enormous ego tell me I have nothing to worry about.  I'm taller.  My body's more rockin'.  Prettier.  Smarter.  Funnier.  Wilder.  More talented.  We're good to go.  She seems nice.  She keeps telling me how happy she is that Jake is happy.  She even bought me a shirt and dress as a "thanks for coming in to Jake's life and making him so happy."  Can't really hate someone when they're all nice to you and shit.  I give her a genuine hug when she leaves.  Even exchanged phone #'s and the whole bit.  She's not bad at all.

April comes around, and she's been back in SC for a couple of days.  Then I hear about the phone calls.  Read the text messages.  Apparently, she has decided that Jake is the only one for her and she's willing to break up with her boyfriend for him to prove how serious she is.  Sends text messages saying how much she loves him and was always afraid to make that jump for him because she thought it was too good to be true.  Tells him things like how she thinks of him while she's having sex with her boyfriend.  Fuckin' bitch.  What the hell is wrong with her.  Jake's now avoiding her calls because she's flippin crazy.  Then the psycho sends him e-mails with racy pictures of herself with titles like "for your eyes only."  And it gets better.  She even sends him a link to a video she posted of herself masturbating in the shower.  WHAT THE FUCK?!  Who the hell does this?!  (Mind you, she is STILL with that boyfriend of hers...)

When that happened, I was super pissed off.  Mostly because she doesn't seem to realize that Jake has total access to a much better package (me).  When I watched that video, the first thought that went through my mind was, "uhm, hello?!  Don't you know that I look a billion times better than you do right now if I were doing the same thing?"  What a blow to my ego... for her to think that she stands a chance.

I really wanted to call her and tell her to fuck off but Jake just said that we should ignore her.  Don't give her any reason to keep contacting.  And it started working.  She'd send him texts and messages about how she was mad that he didn't want to be friends, asking him if he still cared for her, mentioned feeling like she wanted to die, etc. etc.  And they gradually faded.  A message every once in awhile.  Nothing to worry about.

Fast forward to this month.  Jake makes a huge HUGE mistake by responding to something from her.  A simple response, but now, she's back and just as insane as ever.  Sending him texts saying "just so you know, it took two guys to break your record of giving me 17 orgasms in one sex session" (which I deem a total lie).   I'm like what the fuck, but he tells me to just ignore it, and that it will go away eventually.  He actually thinks she would kill herself if shit went down because of this.  Says she's that crazy.  She sends him an e-mail earlier this month about how all she wants from him is to be just friends and nothing more.  Says something about wanting to keep in touch with him and if they don't do it now, it won't happen in the future.  Crap like that.  A couple days later she sends him an e-mail with a link to a new photo album and what do you know?  It's got pictures of her stripping, masturbating, and blowing her bf, or should I say fiancee (Jake tells me they're engaged now).  Also pics of him and her having sex.  And in the e-mail she writes "don't ask don't tell... is that applicable here?"

So I ask you - am I wrong to want to do something about this?  I mean, should I just go and ignore it?  Tell me, faithful reader, what your opinion is... Being the super nice person I am, I want to warn her, that's all.  Send her an e-mail telling her to stop and letting her know that I am aware of all her shenanigans.  Some of my cattier friends tell me otherwise.  I have one who suggested I shove a hot curling iron into her vagina... BUt perhaps that's all she needs, a scare, and she'll stop.  I wonder though... I mean, would that actually stop her? What would you do?

Yeah, that's all that's happened in the past couple of days.  Today, let's see... Um, my dad is as weird as ever.  He just made a salad with these "organic greens" that he gets from the 99 cents store and he was about to add my curry powder to it to give it more flavor.  I swear, who the fuck does this kinda shit?  My dad is about as hilarious as they come.  Which is why CBS better pick us for the Amazing Race.  Yeah, that's right, my dad, who turned 72 yesterday, and I are applying for Amazing Race 15.  He's quite adamant about it and I think it's absolutely hilarious.  We're making our video for when applications come out.  I honestly think we have a shot at getting on it just because you know we would be a friggin' blast to watch.  Now winning the race would be a different story... sometimes I have no faith in my dad's ability to follow directions.  I swear he's completely ADD sometimes.  But I do underestimate him, he is smart in a super weird way.  He's got this unorthodox method of accomplishing certain tasks, you can't help but admire.  Did you know he once fried an egg using an upside down iron because he didn't have a working oven?  Yeah, he frickin' actually put a skillet on an iron and cooked his eggs that way.  wOw...  but anyways, back to my update...

So earlier I finished watching Vantage Point and War with my parents.  AGain, my dad is total ADD.  He had to rewind each movie like 50 times to follow the plot.  Plus all the characters look the same to him so he has no idea who is on which side.  I think it may be hereditary.  My brother and I watched The Sum of All Fears when it came out and at the end of the movie he turned to me and was like "who was the bad guy?" ......... .......... ....

Earlier today, I had Thanksgiving lunch with my parents, bro and aunt, like most of the general population.  Unlike most of the general population however, we went to eat at an Arabic restaurant.  I swear, it's either Arabic food or Chinese food with every special occasion.  It was nice seeing my bro, who's currently doing his psychiatry rotations.  It was hilarious hearing about some of his patients.  One was bipolar and sold his car to get enough money to go to Holland and smoke weed.  Another patient was a schizophrenic who had his own made-up language.  My bro said when he was happy he would describe it as "jazmeen" and sadness as "subteal".  When asked about being discharged to a psych facility he said he didn't want to go because "the eaons wouldn't understand my jazmeen."  I'm thankful I don't have to deal with that, or at least on that level.  Hopefully Jake's conditions will never escalate to those levels.

I think I might try the Black Friday thingamabobber with my momma tomorrow.  We'll see.  I wanna get back to SD tomorrow night since I really don't have too much to do here.  Erm, yeah that's about it for my Thanksgiving.  And the past couple of days.  Peace of pumpkin pie out people.  Say that 13.5 times fast.

~Hananananannanannnnnnnananananan

What can you buy with thirty-five dollars? Part 2

Can you freakin' believe it?!

Ah, how times have changed... a mere 3 1/2 months ago I was complaining to the masses that read this piece of junk (a whopping 2.8 people or so) about the price of gas and how you used to be able to buy 13 gallons of gas for 35 dollars in late 2005 (which I remembered because I wrote a song about it).  I remember in March of 2006 the price dropping a bit more because I changed the lyrics to "14 gallons of gas."  And now?!  Un-freakin-believable!  I was able to gas up my car today and buy 15 gallons of gas for just under $35!  I'm past overjoyed about this, extreme elation, I don't friggin' know.  All I know is that man!  Gas is cheaper than it was 3 years ago!  And I know this because I wrote a fuckin' song about it... which people give me this weird face when I mention it to them... like "why the hell are you writing a song about gas prices?"  So let me clarify to no one in particular, since I think the 2.8 people who read this actually know the song.

As president of Circle K (the hippest, most bad-assed, OG collegiate service organization that ever existed), I wanted to increase membership by the millions.  So, at our first meeting, I wrote a hilarious skit (I'm fuckin' funny man) about why a UCSD student should join our club.  The protagonist of the skit, Kristina, is hesitant at the thought of paying $35 annual dues despite the massive benefits she would receive as a member (why am I still advertising for Circle K?!) and to give her a different perspective of things, my entourage and I tell her of the various things you spend money on that cost (approximately) $35.  I am racking my brain to remember the first verse (alas, I cannot right now ) but I've posted the 2nd verse below... don't try to steal that shit people!  I know where you live!

Oh yeah, sing it to the tune of Avenue Q - What do you do with a B.A. in English?

What can you buy, with thirty-five dollars?

The first season of CSI,

A ten-day parking permit,

Or six meals from Summit,

Or Volume One of Family Guy!

Thirteen gallons of gas,

Or 1 RIMAC Rec class.

There's not much your money can buy,

maybe this time you should choose,

to pay our club dues,

and give Circle K a try!

Yeah.... it rocked so much it ain't even funny.... actually it was hilarious because, let me remind you once more, I am fuckin' funny.  Anywho, the final thought of this story is "Hell yeah, lower them gas prices!"  I love elections!  Especially when people you like get elected.  But not when stupid props get passed =(  Hooray for the train, damn prop 8 to the eternal throes of damnation or something to that extent.

A quick thought for those folk who voted Yes on Prop 8 - OK, I know it's a religious thing, but what really infuriated me were those bumper stickers that showed little kids saying "we want a mommy and a daddy, please!"  ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME?!  Here's a little piece of info for you people to nibble at - 100% of gay/lesbian couples can't conceive on their own.  We can all comprehend that, right?  I mean man+man or woman+woman does not equal child.  Unless man or woman in equation is pre-op, but that's another story. So, there are those gay couples out there who do the whole sperm donor or surrogate mother or whatever it's called thing.  But a good fuckload of those gay couples go out and adopt children.  Adopt children and raise them up in an area much better than where they were, and love and care for them like no one else could.  Do you fuckin' think these kids care if they have 2 daddies or 2 mommies?  I'm pretty sure one is enough for them!  Beggars shouldn't be choosers!  "Oh, you can take me to a nice home and take care of me?  Hmm, I think I'll pass and wait for a different couple, yah know, because I want a mommy and a daddy, not two of the same kind...." To bring children into that issue like that sickened me so much. 

Anyways.... hi everyone!  Here I am, posting again for the 2nd time this year!  Life is interesting, as usual, and I'm hoping it will calm down.  Had a nice dinner with Kim earlier and talked about massive shit... not like shit in the toilet... like important things.  Let's see what's new...

1) I got a new computer!  He's a badass Dell XPS 2010.  I named him Mugen.  Cuz he's badass

2) That's about all =)  Well I mean, there's more, but I can't think about it now, or don't want to talk about it now. 

Yeah, this was a pointless post, for the most part... last 2 things on my mind, then I should get some sleep....

1) Not having health insurance sucks massively - I need to find Jake some friggin' insurance.  He had his 5th seizure today in 2 months.  And every single one, I was the only person there to see it.  My poor baby.  I hope Obama works on healthcare initiatives like crazy.  It sucks seeing the shit Jake deals with regularly without being able to help in the way that I want right now.

2) I have this burning desire to do something mean and nasty to someone who just can't take a hint.  I'd love to spell out the details but that would interfere with the ultimate execution of my carefully formulated plan if it indeed needs to be done.  Here's the skinny of it - someone I know overstepped boundaries once.  I let things work themselves out on their own and didn't make a huge deal.  Now this person is doing it again.  And I'm thinking, if this person can't take a hint, maybe I should teach them a lesson.  And for those people who know me and have met people that crossed paths with me, they know I can be ruthless.  With the bits of information that I retain and the shit my amazing memory can store, you'd better watch out.  But, those people who know these plans I have also know that I am a very understanding and forgiving person, so I don't execute them unless they really are deserving of the consequences.  So I'll give this unnamed person a chance to never pull that shit again.

Yeah... based on what I'm giving you, my faithful 2.8 readers, you might think me to be a bit crazy.  But if I tell you the story (which I might and just post it private), I'm pretty sure all of you would have already carried out my well-formulated plan.  At least my friend Kim would have, so she says.

Alright, that's all for tonight.  And probably the rest of the year .  Pieces.

~Hanan

What can you buy with thirty five dollars?

Unfortunately it's not thirteen gallons of gas anymore folks... props to anyone who knows what my title is quoting ^_^  Yeah, I gassed up my car the other day and it reached $35 at like 8 gallons and I was like dammit!  In 2006 you could buy 13 gallons of gas for 35 dollars!  Why do I know this?  Because I wrote a fuckin' song about it, that's why.

Ahhh, the good days when I didn't work like 9283409824 hours/week.  Anyways, hi everyone.  Or nobody.  I bet people unsubscribed to this because they were like, "fuck!  She don't write anymore, so what does it matter?"  Unless those people want to look cool by having a gabajillion subscriptions to people who they don't really care about.  Look, I'm already going off topic and I haven't even started writing anything of importance.  Let's start again, shall we?

........................

Hi guys!  It's Hanan here!  Back from the dead!  I haven't written in over 6 months and so much has changed!  Let's summarize what's new in my life...

1) I got another job (we're at 3 now).  I think I'm doomed to forever work with children.  Gotta love the lil' brats =)  Is it wrong that I can look at some students and just imagine being a little kid having a crush on them?  They're that friggin' cute.  It's irritating.

2) I moved to a new place this past month with Jake and Matt.  It's sexy.  Our home is officially known as the Fortress of Zumakalis (2 eprops to whoever knows what that's from), and it truly is an epic place, guarded by the twin dragons that reside there, Efron and Nameless, soon to be named.  Jake doesn't like the name Efron but I bought him so that's his fuckin' name!  Yeah, I know Zack Efron is not someone I should be naming something after, but it just sounds soo cool to say it.  EFFF-ronnnn!!!!  Can't you picture it - Efron wrapped around our staircase ready to spit fire at anyone that enters, Nameless terrorizing the town of Venice while fighting a giant ninja that we bought at Pier 1.  All on top of our entertainment system.  Add to that a bad-ass patio with a swing and a fountain, and an attached garage, amongst other things.  It's freaking sweet.  I'll post pictures, I swear in time, one day before I move out of this ridiculously bad-ass townhouse.

3) I just got internet on my computer like today.  I feel so behind in my communications.

4) Um, I think I'm losing faith in humanity.  It's so sad how easily people piss me off these days.  Either they talk more than what's good for them, or they backstab, or they're just plain idiots raising their children to be idiots, or they seem to be craving instant gratification 24/7.  An example - Jake and I went to Magic Mountain and I was blown away by the $12.99 souvenir bottles that came with a wristband with "free drink refills ALL DAY LONG!"  Magnificent, no?  As I was in the food line contemplating if it'd be worth it to spend $7.99 on chicken strips or if I should just do the $5.99 chili cheese fries, this big black lady comes up behind me with her overweight kids and is like "Hi, can I get 3 souvenir bottles?"  I was almost going to yell at her "Are you crazy?! You're spending $39 on drinks for you and your children when you guys get free fuckin' refills ALL DAY LONG?!  Can't you guys just share one?  It'll help from raising a bunch of spoiled brats who insist on getting what they want all the time?"  Man...

But on to a brighter note.  Although I hate moving with a passion (no idea why I've moved 8 times since 2001), I get around to organizing my crap and throwing shit away that I don't need and I look over old memories.  It's nice.  And as I was going through letters from friends and pics and stupid crap from Circle K, I got all nostalgic.  I miss all the really cool people in my life.  Ya'll know who you are, even if we're not the best of friends.  People that make me laugh, people that I have fun or meaningful conversations with, people that I can create spiffy memories with.  So I wanted to let you all know that I appreciate the time we've spent together.  If you're ever in San Diego, shoot me a line and we'll hang out and create some magical memories.

Now, if you happen to be in San Diego this weekend (or have nothing better to do), then come to the Fortress of Zumakalis!  That's right, this Sunday 7/27, we're having a housewarming party/Good bye Shrey party (if he shows up).  Oh yeah, and it's my birfday ^_^  Today's the last day of being 22, 23 sounds like a fun age, but I'm not all hyped up for it.  I think it's cuz my bday last year wasn't all that.  Meh.  Come make it fun and hang out at my place.  Hit me up by e-mail or phone or xanga comment if you're interested.  Or just hit me up if you wanna say hi =)

Side Note: I realize this is madd late notice.  This is the most unplanned, disorganized thing I've probably ever set up.  Just show up if you wanna come.  Maybe sometime around 4ish?  We'll probably only go to about 10-11 at the latest.  There's a pool and jacuzzi if you care, plus we got Xbox and all that jazz.  Bring food or alcohol, or we can just get it all when people come here.  I'll make guacamole.  Feel free to bring a gift =)  But most importantly, bring yourself, and just come to hang out and chill with cool people, if any decide to show up since it's ridiculously last minute.  Oh and feel free to invite anyone who you think I think is cool.

I think that's all for now.  Peace out blackened trout (with a sugar spice glaze and a side of bok choy)

~Hanana